Facebook Status Updates We Would Never Make

Or at least Facebook Status Updates we tend not to make.

We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful about what we pretend to be.

So wrote Kurt Vonnegut in his novel, Mother Night, in 1966. And Facebook provides us the greatest and easiest opportunities of all to pretend? To pretend to each other, to pretend to ourselves…

Below I propose thirteen life status updates that are less than likely to become Facebook status updates!

  1. Status updated when watching a film-classic, or latest movie adaptation of a major literary work. Status not updated when watching a grainy porno illegally downloaded from a file-sharing site, or the shopping channel again or re-runs of a Soap that was axed in the Seventies.
  2. Status updated when back from an afternoon out with the kids at a museum, art gallery or park. Status not updated when back from traipsing your kids around an out-of-town DIY complex looking for plumbing fittings, shelving brackets and the like.
  3. Status updated with photograph of latest car purchased if brand new, big, sporting, expensive. Status not updated with photograph of latest car purchased if second hand, rundown, a couple hundred bucks of junk – think Big Dick Waving Contest.
  4. Status updated to announce to the world how much you love your soulmate and how wonderful they are and how lucky you are to have met them. Status not updated when you are thinking “what did I ever see in this person and where did it all go wrong…”
  5. Status updated to declare “You are more lovely to me today than the day I first met you”. Status kept quiet when wondering to yourself “You irritate me more with each passing day”.
  6. Status updated to boast – sorry share –  that you had a busy day putting up shelves around your home or undertaking some other DIY project.  Status not updated when you spent your day slobbing about your homestead knocking back beers and watching repeats on the telly with interruptions only to play video games
  7. 6am Status Update – when you have just woken up to announce to all your friends that you have a busy day ahead of you – and by way of just letting them know what an early-bird you are. 6am Status not updated – when just about to go to bed having watched as much night-time telly as your eyes can take and consumed as much pizza and chips as your stomach can take – and by way of not letting them know what an unreconstructed night owl you are.
  8. Status updated when back home late from a night clubbing ‘Had a bit too much to drink tonight, again! LOL!’ – status implied party animal. Status not updated when back home late from a public bar ‘Had a bit too much to drink tonight, again! LOL’ as status now implied desperate alcoholic.
  9. Status updated following an act of uncharacteristic virtue such as giving a pint of blood, having run a half-marathon for Charity, or having spent an afternoon with your last remaining grandparent for the first time in over a year. Status not updated following an all too characteristic act of if not vice then certainly unvirtue!, such as spending the afternoon at the bookies followed by a liquid lunch and a minor altercation with a passer-by on your way home.
  10. Status updated on the rare occasion you have prepared and eaten a meal around the dining table with your family, each of you discussing your day. Status not updated on the more usual occasion of having thrown something in to the microwave to then eat with your family in the lounge with TV on and no word said to each other bar occasional utterances from any quarter of “can we watch something else now?”.
  11. Status updated when the activity genie has got inside of you and something productive has actually been achieved. Status not updated when nothing productive has been achieved following yet another day of procrastination.
  12. Status updated when you realise just how much you have to be grateful for ‘”What a lucky guy/gal I am” etc. Status not updated with “WTF am I doing with my life’.
  13. Status updated to say how pleased you are for one of your friends recently posted achievements. Status most certainly not updated to say how jealous you are if not outright resentful of said friend’s recently posted achievement.

With each status update the tangled web of Facebook weaves our collective deception ever deeper?